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July 1st, 2012
MY FUN MAZE GAME (a work in progress)
Hello, my name is Doug, and this is my website. I figure monthly blog entries are the least I could do, until I get around to all the big things I've promised to create here. I apologize for all the spam. I could easily fix this situation several different ways.
1. I could redirect anyone typing </a> in their message to a very bad place. (meatspin.com) (DO NOT GO THERE)
2. I could disable the message box.
3. I could actually implement some kind of ignore feature, with log ins, emails, private messaging, etc.
Of course I'm going with option 3, it's just a matter of when. I've got lots of free time, but somehow can't find the motivation. This was originally going to be some kind of online poker site, but I accidentally called too many infinite loops with my php code. This pissed off ipage, and caused them to block my site for a few days. I've got to be careful not to do that again. There's a lot I'd like to do with this site, but for now, it's just a message page which will be filled with all kinds of spam, but you can still send messages to me privately. Luckily that isn't being spammed yet.
Anyways, I've decided to make some monthly "blog" entries here, just so people know who I am and what I'm up to. I'm sure some of my friends from NJ might be wondering exactly why I just decided to drive up to NH. There's many reasons actually, but mainly let's just say I'm getting tired of:
1. Spending long days alone in my room in my parent's house, on the computer.
2. Working stupid jobs for slave wages.
3. Wasting my slave wages on alcohol, car expenses, and unhealthy food.
4. Conforming to "society", when all evidence shows "society" does not give a flying shit about my well being, or that of others, or even of itself.
5. Not knowing how to create a single useful thing from scratch, and having virtually no survival skills. All I can really do is earn dollar bills, and spend dollar bills. That's all we're ever expected to do. We're expected to go to "school", get a job, obey the law, don't own a gun, don't have children until you're "ready", and NEVER talk about politics or religion.
I realize I didn't NEED to come up to NH to fix any of these problems, but I tend to be very lazy, and I have trouble starting new things, or changing lifestyle habits, so I felt I really needed to just throw myself out there. Also there was this thing called the Free State Project that I figured I'd come and check out, and in particular a group in Keene calling themselves "Free Keene." (Spammers, please go there.) I thought I would be joining some sort of coherent freedom movement focused on bettering humanity, but sadly I was mistaken. They are nothing more than a moneymaking operation which sells freedom products, and asking questions is not allowed. Simply grab a video camera, annoy some police, film the reaction, proudly get arrested/ticketed/beat up, and then wonder why society is not becoming more free. Oh, and the rest of the town hates them. They call it civil disobedience. Anyways, I'm done with those people, but I'm still here in Keene. There are plenty of good people here.
I know that if I was making good money, I could just continue living the dollar bill lifestyle of ignorance, not caring about all the starvation and suffering in the world that I've been lucky enough not to experience any of. I could continue doing meaningless work (that could be done by machines) making someone else rich.
I'm interested in doing many things, mainly learning some survival skills such as growing food. As in, fields and fields of vegetables and fruit. Building all kinds of things from scratch. What kinds of things, you may ask? Look around you. I'll bet 99.99% of the things in your immediate view you have no idea how to create them, where to find the materials to build them, or where to even find this knowledge. Chinese slaves are being tortured and worked to death by American corporations, who not only become insanely rich, but literally control society and influence our behaviors and addictions, while the vast majority is busy watching TV, eating microwave dinners, and texting while driving. I'd like to change this ASAP.
We have become a people whose sole purpose is to earn dollar bills, and spend dollar bills. Children, which are supposed to be the greatest thing about being human, are seen as a "burden", or an annoyance of some kind, to be aborted at our convenience. No self respecting species would ever view their own offspring this way, we humans are biologically able to have children at around age 13, and mentally we should be adults by then as well. This is how Mother Nature intended it to be, but our current society has put many, many, MANY, obstacles in the way. I would hope I don't need to explain the importance of having children (no offspring, no more species) but sadly most people have some sort of explanation or excuse as to why not, as if it's no big deal. It's only the future of our species, yet we've been fooled into thinking not having any kids is OK. I'm not even going to get into how enduring abuse as a child accounts for 98% of all violent behavior by adults, you can watch The Bomb In The Brain by Stefan Molyneux for more on that. But most people blame drugs, or a lack of "education".
I think I've summed up my thoughts pretty well, for more details on how and why I think, click some of the links at the bottom of this page and open your mind a bit. Be careful though, it's mostly conspiracy theories and other nonsense about anarchy, aliens, and other awareness raising topics. In the meantime, I'm not even sure what I want to do with my life at this point. My car is gone, so transportation has become a bit of a problem. My options are wide open, from going back to NJ, staying in NH, going to a different state, or just leaving the USA altogether. Lots of people from all over the world have come to America to escape from their insanely powerful bloodthirsty governments, it just might be our turn, if we can just recover from our electronically induced stupor.
Whatever I end up doing, I know it's going to require the support of as many friends as possible. I do not intend on living as a hermit by myself, which means I need to make a serious effort to get out and meet as many people as possible, without criticizing their lifestyle. Everything I have accomplished in my life so far (jack shit) I have done while ignoring 99% of the strangers I walk past on the street. Just think how much more could be done with cooperation and understanding, and, oh i don't know, LOVE - something you should never demand from anyone, yet give out as freely as possible.
Anyways, with this website I have lots of ideas, and for all of it I'll be giving out my source code for free, should anyone want to host copies of this site. I'd like to get a poker table up so people can play texas hold em against each other for whatever type of currency they want (none of anyone else's business), i'd like to get some communications features here (email, private messages, forums) to be more convenient and usable than anything out there. There will be ways to encrypt your messages so that NO ONE will be able to understand them except for those with the password. Sort of like speaking another language. If I do get this going it will be the greatest accomplishment of my life to this point. With a focus on getting people to meet other people over the internet with common interests / in nearby areas, but without the government spying on everything that is said, and like I said the source code will be given out for free, so anyone can copy and improve upon what I'm doing, no plans on getting rich here. Copying is not stealing. No one is entitled to earn money just because they create something.
And here comes another paragraph. Only this time I have no idea what to write. I'm just going to keep typing until something comes to mind. Nothing yet. Just things I'd like to do. Free people from prisons (95% of prisoners are in there for non-violent offenses) free children from schools and abusive parents, spread awareness, love, technology and food to all without asking for anything in return. My intentions should be clear by now. I don't want to become rich, or help anyone else get rich. I simply want to learn how to survive without being dependent on people (government) that don't want me to have any children.
I suppose I could share my theories on "Real Life is a Dream", since anyone still reading by this point might just be crazy enough to hear this one out. Basically this entire world here is a dream, and I'm controlling it with my mind, although not the part of my mind I have control over. The subconscious mind. Dreams are to real life as real life is to...something unknown. Why do we have dreams at night? Its when the body physically repairs itself, and the mind repairs itself as well, translating the experiences it had that day into entertaining metaphors. When you're asleep, you usually don't know you're inside a dream, but everything within is created and controlled by your subconscious mind, and symbolically represents something from real life. Everything morphs and changes within seconds. What's to say that real life itself isn't also a dream? Instead of things changing in seconds, it takes years. The world is much more solid. In dreams when you discover you're asleep, you will turn to the person next to you and explain, and they'll tell you you're crazy and they have no idea what you're talking about. Then you just forget about it a few seconds later. In real life, the idea will stick around a lot longer and seem a whole lot crazier. And what happens when I wake up? (Assuming I'm the one dreaming all this shit up. Who knows, maybe it's you instead.) No idea. It could be some kind of battle to the death, me vs a swarm of aliens that behave like mosquitos. God I hate mosquitos. I have no problem with ants, spiders, snakes, or just about any other living thing, but mosquitos I really, really hate. Then again, maybe those wacky christians are onto something with their tales about Jesus and Satan. Maybe the antichrist is real, and has descended onto the earth, and I am the next coming of Jesus.....I have been told I've got the Jesus beard going. And this dream is some sort of epic showdown between me and the anti-christ, who I have yet to meet, and he doesn't know who I am. Or something. Whew, long paragraph here, sorry. Time for a new one. After this next sentence: All of real life is simply some kind of metaphorical experience created by my (or whoever's) subconscious mind, to prepare for the life you can't remember until you wake up.
Now what should I write? It will be hard to top that last paragraph. Let's see.... well I still plan on being a famous musician, and I fantasize about that from time to time, usually after smoking weed. Weed always makes me want to play music, it's sad that I don't have too many musical instruments around (had to sell my bass guitar), not too many people to play with (haven't really been looking) and no cash to buy weed or instruments. I suppose I could just sit down, shut up and get a job, and if I'm ever that desperate for cash, then perhaps. But the funny thing is, panhandling will make you far more money than any minimum wage job ever could. Just watch out for cops. They don't want people catching on to the idea of helping each other.
Right now I'm sitting in the Mason Library using some free internet, while a friend sits 2 computers to the right of me, playing texas hold em on facebook. And I've got a bag of apples that I'd like to start eating. I gave up alcohol.....but then picked up some kind of eating habit, especially ice cream. People have always told me I'm a skinny bastard and I need to eat more, well now that I've got a food stamps card (government assistance! oh no!) I've been doing just that. I think I've earned it after years of being a minimum wage monkey. There is an amazing all you can eat vegan restaurant in Keene, as well as a community kitchen serving free dinners to the public 5 nights a week. There's also a "casino" here with poker freerolls 5 nights a week. A stack worth $5 is given each time you show up. There's a tube coming out of the ground with fresh water flowing 24/7, and it is excellent quality. There are always people there filling up jugs of it. There's beautiful girls of all ages walking around everywhere (Keene State College), a guy who gives out free bikes and repairs them, several homeless shelters PLUS free showers 4 days a week totally separate of the shelters, a farmers market right in town tuesdays and saturdays (that accepts food stamps), so you can see I'm not in any hurry to leave here. I live in the woods in a tent under my blue tarp, with several other campers just around the corner, and I sleep great every night. Life is good, but it could be a lot better. But it could also be a lot worse, and I'm thankful it isn't.
August 1st, 2012
HIDDEN HAND INTERVIEW
A movie made in 1997
Nothing much to report. Still in Keene NH living in the woods in a tent, cash is running low, still don't have a job, winter is just around the corner. Lots of things have been happening, but nothing that I care to publicly discuss here. Donnie is now camped out on the path to my tent, so I walk past him every time I go to or from my tent. I believe the object of this thing called "real life" that we're all trapped inside, is to learn how to love as many people as possible. Learn how to be generous, and to provide for as many others as you can. Be the change you want to see in the world. So if you want to see more people holding up signs and shouting slogans at each other, go ahead and be politically active.
In other news, I might just have to rebuild my stockpile of dollar bills, since it's pretty tough living without them. I would love to be able to build shelters and/or log cabins in the woods, so I could move around freely. I'd also like to figure out how to make electricity/motors/engines/machines, since that could be useful. There is apparently many many many ways to do this, which the electric companies and oil companies don't want us to know about, and have done a good job keeping this unavailable to the public. I'd also like to get good at growing food, so I can start up huge patches of fruits and vegetables wherever I travel to. If I fail in these things, I'll have to rejoin society again and get a job for a little while. One of these days I'll get it right. Or something. I'm starving right now, I'll probably head down to Pizza Hut and spend $5.45 on an all you can eat buffet of pizza and vegetables.
This blog entry has been shitty, I know. But the last one sucked too, so, whatever. This is my punishment for not making basic improvements to this site. Hopefully by the time September 1st rolls around, I'll have a much better idea of what I'm doing this winter. The latest thing I've been interested in is the earth, the bible, and dinosaurs. Christians seem to think evolution is a direct threat to their religion, but I think it makes sense, and doesn't disprove or attack creationism in any way. For my entire life up to this point I've thought the bible was just a fairy tale or a work of fiction, but I'm starting to think maybe all that crazy shit DID happen. There really don't seem to be any conclusive reports on just what killed the dinosaurs, and the ice age/meteor thing sounds like it could be made up. Scientists are perfectly capable of lying to the public, especially when government funding is involved. They could have constructed whatever they wanted out of those dinosaur bones. If the great flood from the days of Noah's Ark did really happen, that could have really changed the underground rock formations a bit.... who knows. I'm open to all suggestions. Always trying to understand the world the best I can.
And it's now 6:40 pm, about 8 hours later. I met up with John and Kim for lunch, went swimming, met up with Ace, Ashley, Sean, Taylor, Trevor, Dan, and many others within the past few days. Duck taped my shoes, met a crazy old guy on a bike that gave me bread and seemed as if he represented Jesus Christ in the flesh. Free samples of ice cream, buying it, still playing poker but not as often (about to head over there for the 7:30 freeroll tonight) playing in a band with Marcus, we have some kind of show on Sept 1st I think, but since the drummer's wedding is on that same day, he won't be able to make it, so it might be just me and Marcus. Right now I'm at the mason library with Ace and John sitting to my left. I have 3 apples, a bag of cherries and a box of tomatoes. Lots of hackeysack has been happening in the commons.
September 1st, 2012
The 18 Most Suppressed Inventions Ever
Wake Up Call
The Great Revealing: US Marshals Expose Biggest Scandal in History <----- Holy Shit!
And here I am again, one month later. Today I'm going to play music on Main St with Marcus and Step for 45 minutes. Some free food might be involved. I'd say what my winter plans are, but I'd rather keep it top secret. Today I ate a breakfast special (from The Pub) for only $1.19, it was two eggs, toast, and potatoes. I ordered 2 servings. Delicious.
Its funny how clearly I can see the way life works when it comes to playing music and being in a band. I'm in absolutely no rush to be a famous musician, or to play shows, or to get rich, or to "have something to show for my efforts", I simply enjoy playing music. Jamming, in other words. Not playing what someone else tells me to play because "holy shit, we need to play at this show coming up!" or "We need to make money off our amazing musical abilities!" The obvious response is "Who cares? Shut the fuck up and play your guitar." When bars and clubs are begging me to come play there with generous cash offers thrown in my face, maybe then I'll accept. In the meantime I'll just rock out and enjoy myself, which is exactly the best way to increase your chances of getting all those good things. And this analogy can also be directly applied to love relationships, or to poker, and I'd bet to many other areas of life as well.
From now on I'll be typing less about my everyday happenings, and more about my philosophies on life, which are always growing and evolving, much like all species on the planet. I decided once again to give Christianity another shot, and once again I was disappointed by how incredibly boring it all was. Nothing but singing songs, worship of Jesus, and encounters with loving, brainwashed individuals who were very friendly. But frightening. Looks very much like a cult. They took one basic concept, the idea of a all knowing all powerful all loving creator, and piled rituals, structure, and unnecessary worship on top. I definitely believe in God and other mysterious forces beyond our comprehension, but I don't need to "pay my dues" every sunday or be told how and who to worship. For all we know, Jesus may have never even existed. But I'm sure that mere suggestion would send many people into a rage. Their brains would not compute such a possibility.
Religion does seem to be under attack from government, but then again so is everything. It's not because of their truthful, accurate accounts of history and of "God's will", its because they don't want people tapping into the most abundant, obvious source of power in the universe, which is the love of God. AKA the knowledge that no matter happens, everything will turn out ok, because forces beyond our comprehension love us and are watching our back. That we were all built to freely love each other, all animals, plants, and things. Love for each other, and nourishment of life should be things everyone is aware of. But instead we have people aborting their young, hating entire groups of people based on their political views, skin color, religion, sexual preferences, income level, etc.
Which brings me to my latest mind blowing discovery: Money is the root of all evil. Please resist the urge to dismiss me as a "left wing communist" or an "ungrateful lazy kid" or whatever nonsense labels you have to attach to me in order to avoid thinking critically. I remember my friend Andrew telling me this back when we worked at the Holiday Inn together, but of course I just knew he was wrong, and tried to convince him of that in my expert arguing style. I told him no, money is just a piece of paper promising to deliver something of value. Sure the US dollar and all government currency is evil, but there's nothing wrong with things like gold, silver, bitcoins, or any privately issued paper money. But now I understand the issue much better.
Money is simply a direct replacement for love. The very existence of money actually discourages people from loving and trusting each other, and instead they put their trust into pieces of paper or shiny metals. Now without large armies backing up these forms of money, it might seem relatively harmless, and for the most part it is. But the more people do "business" with each other, the less incentive they have to get to know and trust each other as fellow human beings. Every financial transaction involves trying to get the most out of the other person at the lowest cost to yourself. In other words, ripping them off. In time, the most ruthless, evil people devise smarter ways to amass more money for less effort, without being exposed. Soon enough you'll have open free competition in who can acquire the most money. It doesn't matter how evil you are, if you have money, people will do your bidding. Fast forward to today, and the entire population is ruled by money, not having any idea how or why. We've been programmed our whole lives to believe capitalism is normal and healthy, but this is yet another lie.
Did Native Americans stockpile huge amounts of shiny metal or other physical valuables? Hell no. They may have stockpiled food, but not from each other. People traveled, ate, and slept in groups. There is no need for "competition". Everyone's contributions are valued, and if someone is found to be a liability to the group, the worst punishment would be to isolate that member from the group. Cut them off, excommunication, leaving them to fend for themselves without the benefits of being part of the group. The complete opposite of how we treat people today, which is caging them at taxpayer expense. Today all our physical needs are taken care of, almost like livestock on a farm. With the one exception of MONEY, that stuff everyone needs and no one ever has enough of. But it's very simple to break free. Use the power of love, and trust in God. Be alert every day for miracles being thrown your way, and accept them with gratitude. They may not be exactly what you want when you want it, but it's there for a reason. God can't help everyone in too obvious ways, or everyone will then be angrily standing around waiting for hand outs from God. He can't give rock solid proof of his existence, or that ruins the whole game. People who already believe in him will see tons of proof every day, and non believers will see none at all. Our minds are actually wired to only look for evidence which supports beliefs we already have, and ignore or excuse away everything which does not fit. Therefore changing your perspective on life is a truly conscious effort which I recommend to everyone, since your life is an exact reflection of the thoughts you harbor inside your mind.
Which brings me to my next point, and that is the "law". Whose law? Who has decided this is law? Who decides who gets to decide what the law is? Oh thats right, the answers are "someone" or "some guy" or "just because". In other words, bullshit. Law doesn't really exist. Neither does society, government, or countries. These are all imaginary concepts used to confuse and scare people away from the fact that all that really exists are human beings, and the actions they take towards each other. Mass murder of thousands of people is not ok, I don't care if someone people calling themselves "government" are doing it. You are not required to behave in certain ways or respect laws, I don't care what "society" (imaginary group of people you're supposed to be scared of) says. There is absolutely no shame in breaking the law, and it is your right and duty as a free human being to break any laws you do not approve of. Who gave those people the right to make laws over you? The best strategy for your life is not to aggressively confront military or police, as some people might think, but to simply ignore them, make as many loving connections with as many others as possible, while breaking any and all laws which get in the way. You should have places to hide and friends willing to hide you. In the near future I see a life of "crime" becoming much more common, seeing how the legislation of this government is going. Services for criminals would be a hot market, if I were some sort of entrepreneur, which in a strange way I am, but I'm not seeking money. The "free market" has an extremely high demand for love, and a shrinking supply.
Your happiness should be priority #1 at all times, not money, or finding a girlfriend, or getting a job, or anything else which stresses you out. Your health is directly connected to your happiness level, and stress is by far the worst thing you can do to it. If you hate your job, quit. If school is a boring waste of time, drop out. If your friend, parent, or partner is forcing unrealistic expectations on you, leave them behind. You can always go back if you change your mind. If they love you, they should be willing to take you back with open arms. If not, well then good decision to run away, either way. Question everything, especially authority. Turn off the TV, and get outside and expect miracles. Trust that God is giving you miracles every day, but only if you're looking for them.
I've found that every person is a puzzle. Every person has a different set of lies they believe in which is blinding them, and confusing them, and simply conversing with others helps them to discover weaknesses in themselves they couldn't see before, like looking into a mirror. The challenge is to be the best mirror you can, hearing all their problems and reflecting back at them love and truth where they need it most. Most negativity is based off of stressful experiences in childhood, which is why I emphasize the importance of raising children with as much love as possible - not dumping them off with strangers who abuse them, such as doctors, teachers, or other "professionals".
Might as well get in a quick paragraph here about my intentions for this website. I'm going to have private messaging and profiles for anyone who wants one, a "maze" with a bunch of chat rooms connected to each other, with all users having the ability to boot, silence, ignore, ban, capture, or even erase other accounts. There will be a public text window on every page like the one here right now, there will be some random 1on1 omegle style chats, there will be a forum with replies branching off in all directions like a tree, some simple games such as chess to play against each other, and of course there will be poker tables, with one table hidden in each room of the maze. And there will be my very own Mass Fiction area, to be read by all, but to make a new entry, you have to search the maze to find the one room that allows new text to be added. An uberboard with a stockpile of random phrases, one to be displayed upon each page load. Anyone can add a new entry, or erase the current one from the list. And that's just off the top of my head, I will add more things as I think of them.
So now I've got a bit of a problem, having discovered money is the root of all evil. Poker happens to be the greatest game ever created, in my opinion. Only problem is it literally celebrates talking other people's money. The entire game revolves around money, or other objects of value. Maximizing your income. Pure evil, yet....it's just so much FUN. (And very painful at times.) I have to find some way to turn poker into a game of love. maybe like strip poker or something, but no, that's too complicated. In the meantime I will just celebrate poker, since I believe it is really just capitalism on steroids. Everyone starts off with a "chance", but in the end everyone gets fucked except for a small few who are very wealthy. That person then has to watch out for being robbed, among many other problems. But you know what? I celebrate poker because I think it's one of the best ways to speed the demise of capitalism. Money does not matter, and what better way to acknowledge this than to throw it all away on an exciting game of poker? The lucky winner(s) will very much appreciate it, and you can bet they'll be back for more. The ways to make it a game of love would be to instead of charging rake, add money into the prize pool, like a freeroll. Or play for "favors", or play money, to help people truly understand what money really is. Pieces of paper. Just because someone writes "I owe the bearer of this note 1 favor", what does that really mean? Its open for negotiation, and that person isn't even required to do anything if they don't want to. In other words, its just smoke and mirrors. But then again I think it should just remain what it is: a pure, honest, direct reflection of capitalism in general. It can be fun or torture depending on what the buy in and prize pool means to you. People might say "gambling is evil!" but really its money that is evil, gambling is just math in disguise. And its very fun.
I need to conclude this blog entry before the librarian comes around to kick me off this computer, which I am grateful for the privilege of using. So many things in life I could have done differently, but it doesn't matter. Every possible outcome is already mapped out with miracles everywhere. God is like a GPS which says "Turn Left in 0.8 miles" but everyone just ignores it because it's annoying. If you miss the turn, well..... "Recalculating" and before you know it, a new route is now mapped out for you, which may involve making a U-turn, or taking a detour through a strange new neighborhood. Life is a crazy place, and I fully intend on finding my own inner "crazy mode", like I experienced back in 2004.
Behold A Pale Horse - William Cooper
War is a Racket - Smedley Butler
Cancer is not a Disease, It's a Survival Mechanism - Andreas Moritz
www.wanttoknow.info - Read the 10 page summary about free energy
www.personalgrowthcourses.net - Check out the hidden knowledge course, lesson 4 about the UFO's
What Pushed Me From Limited Government to Anarchy?
The Violence and Justice Monopoly
On the Impossibility of Limited Government and the Prospects for a Second American Revolution
The Iron Fist Behind the Invisible Hand
The Life of an American Jew in Racist Marxist Israel
The Icelandic Free State 930-1262
Consequences To Expect If The U.S. Invades Iran
The Myth of The Rule of Law
Some USA history
A Way to Be Free
The Stateless Society
Monogamy is not healthy?
Anarchist Economics and the Occupy Movement
Central Banks are the Real Target for West's Imperial Wars
Everything You Think About Marijuana Is Wrong
The Secret History of America, The Greatest Conspiracy on Earth.
Type these into Google:
TOR web browser
The Nuclear Bible
Royal Raymond Rife
Non Agression Principle
The Disclosure Project
Labor Theory of Value
The Law of One
Videos to watch:
The Story of Your Enslavement (There is a longer 2 hour version of this but I couldn't find it)
Is Alex Jones a Zionist Shill?
The Machinery of Freedom
Everything you need to know about 911
What the #$%^& do we know?
The Story of Stuff
The Chain of Obedience
A Free Energy Video
January 1st, 2013
Happy New Year. I have found crazy mode, and have "recovered" from it back to boring reality. This sucks. Oh well, this won't be a complaining blog, it'll just be a recount of history combined with philosophical thoughts or whatever. If you need a certain kick to get you going, like a certain type of drug for instance, is it wrong to deny yourself that drug? What if that drug is your own mind? Some sort of "mania" produced within?
I was going to build a structure in the woods of New Hampshire out of logs and nails, but I gave up on that. Another unfinished project left behind, like this website. I needed somewhere to spend the winter, and of course moving back home to my loving family in NJ was out of the question, so I moved in with a loving religious farming family that lived in Vermont. The adventures continued, and I slowly lost my grip on reality as time went by, becoming more and more convinced that yes, I was Jesus. Or the one. Life had more and more meaning to it everyday, I was having mind blowing revelations every day which I would share in our gatherings which we would have twice per day, basically it was a fuckload of fun. I was truly enjoying myself. I was there for about ten days before they finally kicked me out for being unable to control my emotions and for scaring people. They told me they would call the police, but instead I decided to call my parents, and they drove up there and rescued me. Oh and I didn't sleep for an entire night, adding to my confused state of mind, and let's just say I ended up in a mental hospital in NJ, which is where I've been for the past few months. I've been diagnosed by the genius doctors as "bipolar disorder" and now I take some Risperdall twice a day. I'm actually still in the place now, I'm just at my parents house out on a brief visit, or day pass. For new years. Which I spent alone in my bed while my parents sat up watching TV downstairs with some of their friends. My life rocks.
The upside to all this is that I'm going to have my own apartment paid for by the state. Yippee! I'm a welfare bum now, with SSI and everything. And of course now I've got to "get my life together" and figure some bullshit out, like a career or something. Maybe even go back to college, or get some kind of job. Sounds shitty, but hey, I went from having full control of my life and going on crazy adventures in other states, to being a ward of the state with parents supervising me like I'm 8. I'm not allowed out of their sight, so I can't go hang out with any friends, I basically just spend all day in front of my slow ass computer as a punishment. Just like typing these blogs are a punishment for not having anything useful up on this website yet. Life is losing its meaning. I'm becoming a vegetable with 3 meals provided to me, and sleep. Lots of sleep during the daytime in Greystone, I hate Greystone, I want out ASAP. Luckily last I heard I should be out of there sometime this month into an apartment complex by myself next to a supermarket.
Hopefully there weren't too many complaints here, but sometimes it's tough not to. Aww fuck it. Today my Dad wants to go take me to see a movie, and why the hell not, I mean what other choice do I have? Stay here typing on this shit all day? I could do that. That might even be fun, who knows. Yes, I am enjoying myself right now. No one reads this, and I'm not worried about the quality of my blog entries, I really should get something done with this website anyways. I'll have lots of free time in my new apartment, but will I find the motivation? I've been getting back into music more, playing guitar and piano with more frequency. I'll need to have those there so I can finally begin practicing for being a famous musician. No really, I'm serious. Why is making money so hard, and something I generally avoid having to do? Do I just fail to take responsibility for my life? Is it a tough step that I struggle with? Perhaps. I would like to find a lady and make babies, but I'd also like to enjoy my life, that is priority numero uno, enjoying where I'm at. I can't just sleep with the first girl I meet and suddenly have a pregnancy on my hands, that might not be good. But what else am I gonna do, turn them down? Use protection? Yeah, I guess. I probably won't get anywhere near a naked woman, let's be honest. Or will I? Only time will tell, this is a surprising new chapter of my life unfolding, who knows where it may lead. I really think I should focus. Focus on the important things, making money. Enough to be comfortable, and support a woman and kids.
Forced journal entries leads to shit entries, so maybe I should stop this whole blog process. What am I doing. Fighting off the boredom.